You have been there for me when I am up and when I am really down. Tonight you helped me so much you can't even imagine. I know a lot wasn't said but just you being there and listening to me and not judging was the best thing anyone could do then. I hope I'm not a disappointment to you. I've made mistakes and am trying to do better but it's going to take me a long while…This year has been hard not having you around. Like really, really hard. You are the only one that I feel really gets me. You are the only one I feel can be completely honest with and knowing full well that any reprimand is done in love and with my best intentions at heart. It's selfish I know but I'm jealous of your friends and classmates that get to have you all the time.
I feel lost…I don't know who I am anymore it seems. This dark cloud has formed into a hand choking the life out of me. I'm trapped...I used to always be hyper and energetic and now I just want to crawl in a corner and cry. It's not fair to me. I hate this feeling…the lack of self-worth. I've been told since I was little that I will do great things...I just wish that my loved ones wouldn't put me high on a pedestal because I'm just going to if not already have let them down. When will things start looking up? When can I come up for air? Will I ever be able to? I hope I will find meaning in life soon because I feel that it's all lost right now.
I turned 20…it sounds silly but I feel like I've been going through this depression that I just can't get out of. Too many changes are happening too fast. Friends are leaving, and family is occupied with their life plans. When I was younger and still now I am normally the last person to leave the living room to go to bed in fear that my family will have a conversation with out me or do something exciting and I would miss out on it. Same with friends…I'm always the last to leave a party because I don't want anything to happen with out me…but I just feel people are up and doing things without me. It's hard seeing the world move on leaving me behind. I wish I found a place here. A place of security surrounded by a lot of people who love me for me not my mask. I hate my mask. I want to throw it away and shine my true colors but they are dulled by the images that have been flashed before me of what I "need" to be…. I can't think about it anymore. Good Day.
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