Cold Hands

Cold Hands

Night has fallen
A thousand stars glitter in the sky
Like raindrops on black velvet
Or diamonds sprinkled among coal
A cool breeze blowsAnd it's quiet
Too quiet
The silence haunts me
The emptiness taunts me
The stillness only serves to remind me
That you're not there
Your seat is vacant
My hand is cold
My voice echoes in my ears
And no reply comes
All I know is loneliness
All I feel is emptiness
When I raise my eyes to meet yours
All I see are stars
The breeze turns to wind
A bitter wind that stings my face
Clouds roll in to cover the stars
The stars that held such wonder for us
Such promise, such future
And the rain falls
It washes away my tears
And dries my fears
And sweeps away the past
But I still feel the loss
A thousand thunderstorms
Could never make me forget
The way you looked at me
A million raindrops
Could never erase the sound of your voice
From my mind
And I do mind
I mind that fate has seen fit to fling us apart
I mind that the bench beside me is cold
The clouds are blown away by the biting wind
And my heart is bathed in moonlight
Dried in the night air
Kissed to sleep by the cool breeze
The stars are particularly dazzling tonight
They glitter coldly, silent and harsh
And my hand is still cold

~Bethany Brown~

Softer

Life could you be a little softer to me.
Life could you be more gentle to me.
Yeah I know this is a selfish plea,
Because Christ sacrificed his flesh
On the cross for me
But this world is hard,
It's cruel and I wish it could be...
Softer to me

I'm still alive. That much is true
I've never lied, well, I guess I've told a few.
There's nothing to see because I brought nothing to show.
The conversation got too deep, I shrug and tell you I' don't know.
This life can get so hard, this world can be so cruel,
Sometimes I fall apart I feel just like a useless tool.

Softer to Me
~Relient K~

These walls are caving in....

You have been there for me when I am up and when I am really down. Tonight you helped me so much you can't even imagine. I know a lot wasn't said but just you being there and listening to me and not judging was the best thing anyone could do then. I hope I'm not a disappointment to you. I've made mistakes and am trying to do better but it's going to take me a long while…This year has been hard not having you around. Like really, really hard. You are the only one that I feel really gets me. You are the only one I feel can be completely honest with and knowing full well that any reprimand is done in love and with my best intentions at heart. It's selfish I know but I'm jealous of your friends and classmates that get to have you all the time.

I feel lost…I don't know who I am anymore it seems. This dark cloud has formed into a hand choking the life out of me. I'm trapped...I used to always be hyper and energetic and now I just want to crawl in a corner and cry. It's not fair to me. I hate this feeling…the lack of self-worth. I've been told since I was little that I will do great things...I just wish that my loved ones wouldn't put me high on a pedestal because I'm just going to if not already have let them down. When will things start looking up? When can I come up for air? Will I ever be able to? I hope I will find meaning in life soon because I feel that it's all lost right now.

I turned 20…it sounds silly but I feel like I've been going through this depression that I just can't get out of. Too many changes are happening too fast. Friends are leaving, and family is occupied with their life plans. When I was younger and still now I am normally the last person to leave the living room to go to bed in fear that my family will have a conversation with out me or do something exciting and I would miss out on it. Same with friends…I'm always the last to leave a party because I don't want anything to happen with out me…but I just feel people are up and doing things without me. It's hard seeing the world move on leaving me behind. I wish I found a place here. A place of security surrounded by a lot of people who love me for me not my mask. I hate my mask. I want to throw it away and shine my true colors but they are dulled by the images that have been flashed before me of what I "need" to be…. I can't think about it anymore. Good Day.

p.s…my thoughts are jumbled and so is my writing. I apologize but I'm all over the place right now.

Cross-roads

As I stumbled through the maze of life, I lost my way upon the path.

The path to here was simple and plain:
the future in front;
the past behind.

The path so far took no effort to take; at a crossroads... take the path that lies ahead.

But what of the paths that are not taken? Were they too dark?
Too cold?
Too uninviting?

No, it was just the curtains draped across the hall, hiding sight of the future that way.

I once reached an intersection
and was guided to the side path
and it was good.

But once on the path, I forgot to turn left or right, and in the end, walked into a pit anyone could see from a mile away.

Climbing out was hard, but in the end, something was learned.
And it was an important lesson.
And an other important lesson was missed.

And so I cautiously walk along the path, ever going forward, often looking behind. Rarely looking to the side.

One day, I'll reach a crossroads that doesn't go straight, and I'll be forced to again choose:
Left?
Or right?

When I get there, I'll think to myself, "My choices lead me here," having not ever really made a choice.

Because the real choices involves the risk:
Changing direction might be better.
Or worse.

But every side path shares one thing in common: they will all be different than the choiceless path.

And only cowards always go straight.

Ahh...the good old days!

I guess when you finally realize that you are too old for things, in the end, it kind off makes you sad. I like the idea that I am growing up, but yet, I wish I was still young and carefree. Not worrying about bills, job, money, life and my future. When life wasn't about trying to survive, but trying to stay up as late as you can. When getting grounded was the worst thing that can happen to you on your summer vacation and having your dad let a boy call you was the hardest thing to accomplish.

When frizzy hair and pimples were the only thing you wanted to get rid off and having fashionable clothes was the thing you hope for the most. When placing your crushes photo next to yours, on your school binder, made you smile and wishing he asked you out was the thing you dreamed about. When boys occupied your thoughts most of the day and your friends were the only people who had your number.

When birthday parties and holidays were the only thing you looked forward to and holiday vacations consisted off spending all your free time outside. When the only time you were nervous was around report card time and during parent teacher conferences. When school projects were exciting and fun and a field trip was the highlight of the year.

When life went by slowly and steady. When all you had to do was to turn on the light when you were scared and your parents hugged you when you cried. When being an adult was a thing of the future and reaching it, was a long, long time away. When time didn't matter and rules were meant to be broken. When you didn't have to prove yourself to be accepted and gossip only lasted for a day. When you promised to be best friends forever and really meant it.

When destroying someone to gain something was only seen in movies. When falling off your bike was the only thing that caused tears and pain. When you could have trusted anyone and losing that trust was unimaginable. When someone lied to you, you just made them pinky promise to never do it again and everything was just as before. When you loved everyone and the only bad people who existed were the criminals behind bars.

When the world was perfect and freedom didn't cost lives on foreign soil. When newspapers were only read for the comics and the only thing you watched on TV were cartoons. When your classmates didn't die before their parents and bombs were special effects on Terminator. When the only time you heard a gun go off was during your video game and the only time you ran for your life was during dodge ball.

When rock, paper, scissors solved all your problems and the word hate was only heard to describe cafeteria food. When everyone was given a chance to lead and the choices you made mattered. When someone told you everything would be okay, it really would. When everything was guaranteed to last and second place was just as good as first.

I never thought I would think about how much better it was being a kid, but it was and I do think about it. Some how, I wish I can go back and stay being a child. I want to feel safe and protected everyday. I want my parents to be my only heroes and I want to believe that everyone believes in God and heaven. I want to think that good does exist in everyone and premeditated evil is unheard off. I want to pretend to be princess again and dream about my prince charming and his white horse coming and saving me. I want every story to have a happy ending and I want my life to be a chapter book, not a novel.

I want things that don't and won't exist. All I can do now is remember and hope that maybe, just maybe, the when becomes the now and for a day I can forget about me ever growing up. Then all I have to worry about is keeping the highest score during a game of tether ball and if I brought all my homework back. I guess when you realize you are too old for things, sometimes you really aren't.